I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
