I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
