can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Blood and glitter go together right?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
