My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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