sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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