I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
