My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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