I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
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