I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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