I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
