im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
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