The best revenge is premature balding
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
