I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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