Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
