Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
