The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
