so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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