: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Are we still banned from the library?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
