It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
