my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
So apparently I’m into choking now
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