i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
