i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
