Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
