There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
