Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
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