He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
