my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
