did you get engaged???
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
