I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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