i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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