Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
