if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
