I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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