I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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