Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
