Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
