Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
