I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
