two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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