Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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