My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I think people are normalizing furries
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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