I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
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