Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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