1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My liver just broke up with me...
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
