I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
