So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
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