We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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