Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
