We should be called the Road Head Warriors
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
