Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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