Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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